Pink, Poofy, and Pathologically Afraid
by The Legendary Chomp
Summary: Jigglypuff has the most content and divine life in all ways at the mansion... except for one person who reduces her to a quivering blob of fear whenever he's around. It seriously pisses off her friends and the person, but what can they do?


Okay, this came completely off the top of my head(which is a very dangerous place to be) when I looked at my avatar. So, that kind of gives away the plot in itself, but still, I might have a surprise in store for you! Just be warned: it does poke fun at pairings and politics and other stuff, so please don't get angry(Most of the characters are also quite satirical versions of themselves). If you don't like the sound of that, then- I hate to say it, but it must be said- stop reading. Other than that, I hope you find it funny!

!

A small pink blob of adorable cuteness floated down the empty halls of the sleepy early morning Smash Mansion. The small fluffy lock of curled fur atop its head bounced in rhythm with its light, frivolous gait, and it hummed a sweet tune that would cause anyone in the vicinity to sink into a peaceful, blissful sleep. Its blue eyes gleamed with joy, happiness, and the peace of a being whose life is going well. This creature was Jigglypuff.

She was a poke'mon who had the fortune of being a good enough fighter to join the Super Smash Bros, and she loved her life at the Mansion. Jigglypuff was a lethal fighter despite her it's-so-fluffy-I'm-gonna-die appearance, much of which was due to her floating ability and beautiful singing, which put her foes into a vulnerable state of dozing. This had earned her the status as one of the more revered smashers, but it also made Jigglypuff one of the most lovable. She was often asked to entertain at mealtimes and even before Master Hand, the Smash Bros leader, and his corporate buddies. Of course, the latter was sometimes considerably shady, but Master Hand always said that money was money no matter how you got it. Still, it worked out well for Jigglypuff; she gained respect from the villains who occupied the Mansion for helping Master Hand pilfer businessmen's pockets. All in all, Jigglypuff had a near perfect life at the Mansion.

She reflected on all of this as she skipped down the corridors lit by the rosy rays of sunlight filtering through the windows that alighted on the left walls, and she let out a sigh of delight. She couldn't wait for the others to wake up and for the day to finally begin. Jigglypuff closed her eyes and slowed to a steady walk, imagining the day's events unfolding. She could see the smashers streaming into the cafeteria, where she would be waiting to present her morning repertoire of tunes. When Jigglypuff had sung the last note, the audience would give her a standing ovation, their raucous cheers echoing across the entire estate. The wildest cheers would come from her four best friends- Lucas, Pikachu, Kirby, and Meta Knight. Smiling, she would take a bow and-

WHAM! The resounding crash of the double doors that led to the front fields of the Mansion slamming shut reverberated in the halls, and Jigglypuff squealed with fright. After the initial shock had subsided, Jigglypuff wondered who else would be up at this early hour. If anyone felt restless, they would come to her for help- her singing always inspired the deepest of slumbers. There was only one person…

Suddenly, Jigglypuff felt icy fear dig its unrelenting talons into her most likely nonexistent ribcage as she realized whom it was. She glanced around wildly, desperately hoping to find a dark corner in which she could cower unseen. Her gaze finally settled on the darkness between two decorative pillars, and Jigglypuff dashed over to it, sidling up to the pillar closest to the corner in the hall. She sucked in as much of her spherical self as she could, hoping that the person wouldn't see her pink fluff jutting out from behind the pillar. Petrified, Jigglypuff waited as the ominous clicking of boots on tile drew nearer, increasing in volume. Tension and fear threatened to overwhelm Jigglypuff with a tidal wave as she heard the person's voice. It was male, and it oozed evil, menace, and politics like a Muk oozed poison and sludge.

"An offer from Rosetta Stone," he mused, the storm of destructive rage roiling inside of him obvious in his tone. "The four hundredth one they've sent me since Melee… or is it the nine thousandth? Ah, well, next piece of mail."

A shadow fell over Jigglypuff, and she trembled in terror. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to resist the temptation to look at the scourge of the Smash Mansion. Of course, since this is a typical story influenced by Hollywood and their stupid actors who always look or go in to the haunted mansion where they're obviously going to die(I'll be right back- or not), Jigglypuff looked up at her bane.

His whole figure emanated malice, from the golden hilted longsword that rested against his hip to the shadows cast over his face by his long, neat blue hair. His face was creased by a frown that was on the verge of a vicious snarl, and his fiery blue eyes glared at the poor mail clutched savagely in his gloved hands. In her terror, Jigglypuff conjured up bloodstains on his blue and gold trimmed tunic, blue cape, and black pants, and spikes on the black boots that rested only inches from her body. She even added gruesome skulls stuck on said spikes. Jigglypuff shuddered in revulsion at his presence and the extra grotesque décor she had added to his appearance. This was the bane of her life, Prince Marth.

He was the reason her life was merely near perfect, and not absolutely divine in every way. The prince was the only being she had ever met that hated her singing, her appearance, and thus simply loathed her in general. She didn't know what had instigated this irrational hatred; she had done nothing to him that she knew of. The first time she had ever met him, he had glowered at her with utter rage that could've spontaneously combusted Jigglypuff. Luckily enough for her, it hadn't, but each encounter after that had been filled with terror and agony. He was the only smasher she had never won against, and his sword seemed to inflict extra pain on her. As such, Jigglypuff went to extra lengths to ensure that their paths never crossed outside of the battle arena. She had taken lessons from Solid Snake, the master of covert operations, and had practiced fleeing with Sonic. Most of the time, this worked, but Marth had an uncanny sense that allowed him to hunt down his current enemies. Jigglypuff could only plead to Arceus that that exact sense wasn't in play right now as she shook with uncontrollable fear.

Apparently, it wasn't, because Marth just strode on, irately sifting through his mail.

"Would I like to enlarge my- NO! What in the name of Anri is with these people? Honestly! You'd think they'd have the common sense to send me something useful, with an everyday function- ooh, the new series of Grow Your Own and Make Them Fight to the Death is out! I wonder what creature it is- oh, Oompa Loompas! Maybe I'll get Olimar's brother!"

When Marth was finally out of sight and hearing, Jigglypuff heaved a gargantuan sigh of relief. She was safe… for the moment.

!

Marth sat down on the edge of his plain white bed, running his fingers through his hair in exasperation at the immense load of advertisements that tainted his mail. _Why in the name of Caeda's lovely, perfect- no, bad man, _he chided himself. _Don't let your homesickness get to you now. _Mentally cursing the author, he thought instead: why in the world did the ad companies have to attack him? It must be because of his wealth; nothing else could instigate a corporate crackdown on his mail. Sighing, the prince tossed the worthless pieces of paper on the floor. It wasn't worth it, getting up so early to read heaps and heaps of pure junk. _I should take a leaf out of Roy's book and just ignore all of it,_ Marth thought ruefully. _Or would that be a stone tablet? _

A sudden rap on his door jolted Marth out of his irritated train of thought, and he called, "Come on in." His door was flung open, and in stormed an enraged, seven-foot tall man clad in black and red armor. He brandished a crumpled piece of paper in one tightly clenched fist. His dark-skinned face was twisted with fury, and Marth wouldn't be surprised if the man's red hair caught on fire from his anger.

Boy, Diagon, he mused. You sure enjoy spontaneous combustion.

"What is the meaning of this?" the man roared, pointing at the piece of paper he held. Marth resisted the urge to yawn and replied, "Meaning of what, Ganondorf?"

"The meaning of this insulting, insolent, and impudent message!" Ganondorf thrust the wrinkled piece of paper right in front of Marth's face, his teeth gritted. Ignoring the warlock's usual rudeness, Marth read the obviously hastily scrawled message. It was written in Hylian, the language from Ganondorf's home world and one which Marth had the fortune-or misfortune- of understanding and fluently speaking.

"Ganondorf. Thou art an arseth witheth the faceth of a horseth. Hahaeth," Marth read, his brow furrowed with annoyance. Ganondorf was quivering with pent up and not so pent up rage, and the warlock inhaled a deep breath. Marth braced himself for the tirade.

"How DARE you!" Ganondorf thundered. "You, a puny, impudent boy with not a brain cell in your head, insult me, the King of Evil?"

"You don't know that it was me," Marth pointed out calmly.

"Yes I do! No one else speaks in Old English! Not even that weirdo Ike speaks or writes this way!" Marth sighed; he had borne the brunt of that stereotype for a while. For some unexplainable reason, everyone in the Smash Mansion seemed to think he only ever communicated Old English, even when he spoke with more modern phrases. Heck, they even thought he spoke in Old English when he cussed them out in flawless Swahili. Marth figured it was because they were imbeciles underneath all of that swagger and fighting ability.

"Ganon, that isn't even Old English. Adding eth to every word doesn't make it Old English; it makes it the idiotic language used by children to confuse moronic adults who lack the brain power to identify a simple message on a piece of paper as the work of the younger version of their archenemy," Marth explained patiently, although said patience was about to disappear altogether. This wasn't the first time Toon Link had taken advantage of stereotypes and Ganondorf's weak mind to insult the warlock and place the blame on Marth. Ganondorf blinked a couple of times in confusion, and then his eyes narrowed.

"How many times must we tell you not to use Old English!" he snarled.

"As many times as it takes you to realize that I'm not speaking in the olden tongues, simply using complex words with multiple syllables to confound your dense, stubborn mind," Marth said resignedly.

"You're doing it again!" Ganondorf screamed, his eyes bulging. "If you don't stop it, I will beat you up for this note rather than- er, well-"

"Negotiate?" Marth supplied. "Give me full amnesty?"

"Uh…" While the warlock was dazed by the advanced(not really) words, Marth slipped out and plodded to the cafeteria.

!

"Jiggly, jigg jigg jiggle jiggly!" Jigglypuff squealed, brandishing her petite pink puff paws for effect.

Meta Knight groaned inwardly for the fourteenth time that morning as she continued to elaborate about her fateful stroll earlier this morning, and he rubbed his silver mask in exasperation. He pulled his blue cape closer to his similarly blue body, trying to keep some of the last vestiges of warmth he had before he got out of bed. Jigglypuff had burst, terrified, into his and Lucas' gamer cave while Meta Knight was sleeping and Lucas was playing video games. Meta Knight had not had a good night's sleep; trying to fall asleep to the sounds of Silent Hill was not a pleasant or easy ordeal. Screeching, wailing, screaming, and moaning put together didn't make a sweet lullaby. It didn't help that Meta Knight had another nightmare of Kirby wearing a stiff military suit, performing the fascist salute, and eating him. Then Jigglypuff had to burst in, waking him from his fitful but much needed sleep, screaming in terror about… guess whom.

Yeah, that's right.

The horrible, terrifying, brutal, despotic, unrelentingly malicious…

Marth.

Seriously.

Just because the guy had been involved in politics didn't make him the bane of everyone's peace and happiness. That was just unfair stereotyping. Okay, no it wasn't, but Marth the one exception. Heck, even Roy had been involved in the practice, and no one hated him! Wait, no, everyone did. But that was because he was a pyromaniac, a kleptomaniac, a suicide bomber(unfortunately, all attempts had failed), and, first and foremost, an idiot. Meta Knight had fought against and alongside Marth several times, and each encounter left them with mutual feelings of respect and sometimes even awe. Marth was the only swordsman who appreciated Meta Knight's preferred fighting style of precision and speed, and Meta Knight was one of the select few who understood that Marth didn't speak in Old English. The prince just didn't talk like most modern-day people his age; most young men didn't use words such as pretentious, inculpate, innocuous, redundant, and insipid, especially not when describing Peach's cooking. Both were great swordsmen, and always stuck to their rigid codes of honor, which also meant that they couldn't kill everyone else for being total slack-jawed, lazy, insouciant, vainglorious idiots or sending them too much worthless mail.

"Jigglejigglypuff!" Jigglypuff screamed.

"Yes, yes, I know. He's terrifying and would stop at nothing to kill you," Meta Knight said tiredly. He didn't understand her insane, overwhelming fear of Marth; all he had done was ask her somewhat rudely- okay, he had been extremely obnoxious- to stop singing the first time they met. Somehow, that little implied criticism had sent Jigglypuff packing and created a pathological fear of the prince in the pink poke'mon. Meta Knight had tried to end it several times before by bringing her to meet the prince when he was at his best, but Jigglypuff was disillusioned into thinking that Marth spat venom at her every time he spoke. Of course, these several attempts left Marth more annoyed with Jigglypuff than ever before, and as such made it even more difficult.

Meta Knight figured this fear had sprung from the fact that Marth was the only living being who had ever criticized her singing and her looks; the prince thought her voice went too high and that she was way too pink. The latter didn't make sense since Marth had no problems with the purely pink Kirby, but Meta Knight could understand the former. No singer was perfect, but Jigglypuff had seemed to think that she was the one immaculate singer who also had immaculate looks. Then Marth had come along and pointed out her one flaw, and she had turned him into some savage, insidious monster in her mind. Why couldn't she just accept his criticism and move on?

"Jiggly?"

Meta Knight shook himself, bringing his mind back to the present. "Sorry, Jiggs," he apologized. "I was distracted."

"Jiggles, jigg," Jigglypuff murmured darkly.

"Yeah, sure, I was distracted by the horrible images of Marth my wild imagination concocted." Meta Knight winced as an earsplitting shriek rent the air, followed by the sharp report of bullets.

"Lucas, why do you play those games?" Meta Knight queried wearily, looking at the young blonde boy with a haircut reminiscent of Elvis. "Are you trying to soothe your fears?"

"No," Lucas responded nonchalantly, pressing the trigger button as he stared at the bloody screen. "It's to soothe my insatiable hunger to shoot the people who think I'm a wuss."

"Oh, okay. Why don't you just buy a paintball gun and prank people?"

"Because I want to paint Red Square with their blood."

"No more Nazi Zombies for you," Meta Knight muttered, turning back to Jigglypuff.

"Jigglypuff, why are so afraid of Mar-"

"JIGGLYJIGGLESJIGGLYPUFF!" Jigglypuff screamed, her high-pitched voice cracking and causing Meta Knight to flinch.

"No, Jigglypuff, as far as I remember, he hasn't actually tried to murder you," Meta Knight replied soothingly. "The only time he ever laid his hands on you was that one time you sang using amps and didn't stop when he asked. Besides, the kick only sent you half way across the mansion."

"Jigg."

"Oh, right… forgot about the bomb-resistant doors… and the lever that is attached to them that sends you down into crocodile-infested waters… why do we even have that lever?" Lucas supplied the answer.

"Roy."

"Oh. Right. Still, Jiggly, that was the only time, and it was because he wanted to save his eardrums. I must admit, everyone else did too, so you can't blame him for acting on it."

"Jiggs jigglypuuuuff!" Jigglypuff complained, her eyes wide and pleading.

"No, Jigglypuff, you just sit there, cowering in fear, when you have to fight him in the arena. That's why it hurts so much," Meta Knight explained irately. Reasoning with Jigglypuff had always been difficult and troublesome; this time was no different.

"Jiggly," Jigglypuff muttered. Meta Knight shook his head, saying, "No, he has his honor to keep to. He wouldn't ever forfeit a battle when his opponent is in perfect battling condition."

"Jiggly?"

"You know what," Lucas interjected as Meta Knight prepared to respond, "I would really like to understand what Jigglypuff is saying, and I'm pretty certain the readers would prefer it as well. Can you please activate her translator?" Meta Knight nodded at Lucas in acknowledgement, and he turned to face his well-cushioned blue beanbag. In one swift movement, the masked Kirby had unzipped the beanbag, withdrawn a mechanical collar equipped with a speaker, re-zipped the beanbag, and had fit the collar snugly around Jigglypuff. Both Lucas and Jigglypuff gazed at Meta Knight in shock and awe, still easily impressed by his mach speed despite knowing the masked Kirby quite well. Meta Knight gestured for Jigglypuff to continue.

"But what about the first battle we had, when I did actually fight back?" she asked, her voice akin to the morning peals of church bells. Lucas sighed in pleasure, but Meta Knight wasn't impressed. He snorted at the memory of that particular duel; that unparalleled display of swordsmanship and rage was Jigglypuff's own fault.

"If I remember correctly, that all out smack down was incited because you insinuated that Marth was gay," Meta Knight pointed out, crossing his arms. Jigglypuff's eyes widened, and she adopted an innocent look.

"He was hanging out with Ike…" Jigglypuff let her voice trail off pointedly, and Meta Knight sighed.

"That didn't mean anything. If I recall correctly, Ike was stalking Marth, for reasons neither will discuss, mainly because Ike's normally unconscious around Marth."

"Well, he still hates me and I can tell that he longs to slaughter me," Jigglypuff replied, the fear coming back into her voice. "I can see the fervor of his hatred in his fiery eyes! Honestly, his eyes are so fiery, I don't see how they haven't spontaneously combusted yet, or why fire is red and not blue!"

_Here we go with the fire thing. Again,_ Meta Knight thought.

"Look, Jigglypuff," Meta Knight said in a reasoning tone, "why don't you at least tell him that he's scaring you to the point of total insanity? It might make things a lot easier."

"He'll kill me!" Jigglypuff wailed. Meta Knight rolled his eyes, and he muttered, "I give up trying to convince you; it's more difficult than beating three thousand Crameraxes. I'm going to go eat something." With that, Meta Knight slid off of his bed and trudged out of the room, murmuring a "See you later" to Lucas and Jigglypuff.

!

Jigglypuff watched her noble friend go with sadness, resisting the urge to heave a mournful sigh. Meta Knight's firm but mistaken belief that Marth was a good person was going to get him killed some day, she knew, and she really didn't want him to leave. Secretly, Jigglypuff loved Meta Knight, his honor, and his code of the blade. She felt giddy, euphoric, and light headed whenever the warrior was near, and she trusted him with all of her heart. How could such a purely good and noble knight not see the evil dragon that was Marth? It filled her to the brim with even more fear, if that was possible, but it was fear for her love. She could only wish that Meta Knight would one day rise up and challenge Marth to a duel.

She could picture it now; her beloved masked Kirby was clad in golden armor, and his jagged golden sword was shining with all things good, holy, and beautiful- in fact, she could see her own reflection in it. Jigglypuff saw their blades collide, and heard the horrible screech of metal against metal as they began their dance of death. It would be a long, bitter, but glorious battle, one in which Meta Knight would inevitably be the victor. Out of the pureness of his heart, Meta Knight would not turn a deaf ear to Marth's pleas for forgiveness, and he would spare the evil prince. He would cast out the scourge, and Jigglypuff would-

"Jigglypuff, why do you always daydream?" Lucas inquired, glancing up from the pause screen of Fear 2. "It has an even more soporific effect than your singing, especially when you were murmuring things like you were just doing."

"Oh, sorry," Jigglypuff hurriedly apologized. "I didn't mean to speak." Lucas turned back to his video game, grumbling.

"Could you at least take the translator off? I don't want to hear about your sappy and overly theatrical dreams of grand knights donning golden armor and battling evil dragons in your name. It ruins the mood of a good M-rated game. Now die, you freaky, maggot-ridden, blood-soaked, stinking walking corpse!"

"Kids," Jigglypuff said fondly. "They're so adorably violent."

!

Lucario laid back, content, in his heavily cushioned Victorian chair. As his rump sunk into the sea of fluff and soft fabric, he heaved a sigh a reached for the immense bowl of cream cheese frosting that sat on his chair side table. Smiling, he reached his black, spiked paw into the mess of gooey, white goodness and scooped out a delicious lump of frosting. Lucario stuck the frosting smothered paw into his mouth, sucking on the frosting and ignoring the fact that he kept on nicking the inside of his mouth with his spike. The poke'mon's piercing red eyes glowed with pleasure as he laid his head against the massive, intricately patterned chair. His blue ears twitched, and he wagged his tail with joy. Cream cheese frosting was Lucario's favorite snack, no, favorite food of all time, and the way Peach cooked made it all the more creamy, thick, and scrumptious. It had been given to Peach as payment for Lucario's services.

The jackal-like poke'mon was the Smash Mansion's go-to for advice and psychic help. Basically, Lucario was a shrink. The smashers would go to him for relationship advice, addiction problems, and fortune telling. Lucario had gotten the idea from his predecessor, Mewtwo, and it had paid off quite well. The poke'mon had the most lavishly furnished and luxurious quarters in the entire Mansion, even more so than the rooms reserved for the corporate leaders who visited Master hand so often. He fixed everyone's problems… or so they thought.

Lucario was, in reality, a total fake. He wasn't a psychic, as several had been led to believe. Rather, he was part of a species that could read aura, the life force of beings. In the Poke'mon world, he could use psychic attacks, but he couldn't see the future. Of course, people tended to mistake his aura abilities for psychic ones, and it had made Lucario extremely angry. He had tried convincing the smashers of this fact, but they stubbornly held on to their misguided belief that he was akin to Mewtwo, just like they believed that Marth spoke in Old English. So, accepting his fate, Lucario took advantage of their stupidity. He set up the false pretense that he was an experienced shrink from his world, and the poke'mon trainer, Red, couldn't deny it since they were from different regions. His business had flourished, and Lucario finally could understand corporate business leaders. All the deceptions, lies, and shady acts were all worth it, especially when you could convince Peach to make you your favorite food for ruining her love life.

Peach had come to him earlier, completely deluded. She thought that Mario was cheating on her with Zelda, and Lucario quickly jumped on it. Peach was somewhat desperate to keep her love life intact, since the only other creature interested in her was the fat, overgrown, fire-breathing turtle named Bowser who already had at least nine children. Using his trusty faux crystal ball, he deduced that Peach was right, but Mario was only doing so because she wasn't assertive enough. When asked through a tsunami of tears on what to do, Lucario ordered her to go up to Mario and demand that he stop seeing Zelda, and that if he gazed upon her ever again- EVER- he would have a frying pan dent in his head.

Lucario had done this for two reasons: cream cheese frosting, obviously, and for drama.

Mario would never be able to completely able to avoid glancing at Zelda; they had matches against each other frequently. When Mario was found with a frying pan in his head and a miserable look on his visage, Zelda, being the protective type, would confront Peach and- inevitably- CAT FIGHT! The extra dose of drama would liven up the Mansion quite a bit and provide a valuable source of entertainment for the inexplicably and incurably bored.

Lucario reached his paw back into the bowl, only to find it gone. Frantically, Lucario searched all over his room, wondering what possibly could have happened to it. He passed by his bathroom, and he almost gagged. A horrible stench akin to fresh Koffing fumes, roasted Muk sludge, a maggot-ridden, diarrhea-filled corpse, and putrid garlic mixed together in a blender set on high wafted out from under the door. Lucario backtracked with the speed of a lightning bolt; he had to to keep his life intact. With a glum feeling pervading his mind, body, and soul, Lucario realized what had happened. Wario had taken it.

Fat, short, stinky, and prone to flatulence to the tunes of several Michael Jackson songs, Wario was Mario's rival and the only one who knew Lucario was a complete fraud. He had somehow figured out about aura, and had threatened to end Lucario's business. Of course, when Lucario begged the fatso to not blab his secret, Wario blackmailed the poke'mon. Luckily, all he wanted was a beautiful bathroom to take dumps in, fart in, and eat heaps of garlic in. Wario also demanded portions of food when Peach paid in cooking, but it was a miniscule price to pay. Lucario just couldn't go into his own bathroom for fear of death. In fact, Wario was a good partner. He filled the crystal balls with their swirling, colored mist (who knew he could fart in all of the hues of the rainbow?) and replenished said fog whenever necessary. It made Lucario's acts all the more believable.

Lucario forced himself to remember all of this to restrain himself from putting on an emergency gas mask, charging in the bathroom, and strangling Wario. Why oh why did the garlic consuming fatso have to take his cream cheese frosting, of all things? Lucario heaved a depressed sigh, realizing that there was nothing he could do about it if he wanted to keep his job and his respect. Speaking of his job, the sharp rat-a-tat-tat of a customer knocking on his teak door rang out, and Lucario rushed to the door. He waited a few seconds, smoothing his fur and composing his face, before he opened the door.

Lucario saw nothing. He stuck his head out, peering down the hall and expecting to see the trailing green tunic of Toon Link. A brusque "I'm down here" made Lucario look downward.

Meta Knight was standing there, his white gloved hands clenched at his side and his purple sandaled foot tapping impatiently. Lucario was quite surprised, to be honest; Meta Knight was not a common visitor. The masked Kirby was skeptical of Lucario's supposed psychic abilities, and as such generally steered clear of the poke'mon all together.

"May I?" Meta Knight asked politely, gesturing at Lucario's room.

"Certainly." Lucario stood aside, holding the door open for his visitor, a glint of curiosity in his red eyes.

"You'd think psychics could see their visitors coming," Meta Knight remarked, glancing up pointedly at Lucario. The poke'mon shrugged, saying, "Unless I'm being paid, I'm the lazy sort."

"Ah." The masked Kirby hopped onto Lucario's footrest, gazing in awe at the poke'mon's fantastic décor. "Your room is quite marvelous."

"I pride myself in selecting only the finest quality," Lucario said proudly, taking a seat in his armchair. "Now, which of my services do you require, or are you here for a companionable chat?" Meta Knight's yellow eyes darkened.

"I'm here for advice," he explained.

"I thought you didn't believe in my psychic powers," Lucario pointed out, mildly surprised.

"I don't, but I hear that you do give out very good advice when you're not cooking up drama for our entertainment," Meta Knight said. Lucario lay back, his tail twitching. It was true; he was smart enough to see ways to fix even the most difficult social and emotional problems, no matter the person. It also assisted him in being a false psychic.

"Yes. I like to believe it's my strongest suit." Meta Knight inhaled deeply, steeling himself for what he needed to say.

"I need help with Jigglypuff." Lucario grinned; now was his chance to prepare more drama. Secret lovers were often vulnerable to trickery when they were preparing themselves for the big reveal. Lucario leaned forward, paws folded, his eyes serious.

"How long have you had this… problem… with Jigglypuff?" the poke'mon asked tentatively, knowing that the masked Kirby's pride would be sore after admitting the love.

"Since she first sang," Meta Knight growled. Lucario nodded as if in understanding. The fierceness showed that Meta Knight was more vulnerable than he had assumed; he was trying desperately to preserve his macho attitude.

"I see. Has the problem progressed since this first encounter?" Meta Knight nodded fervently, his fists clenched and his eyes narrowed.

"You don't even know how bad it's become."

"Well, I suggest that you-"

"I haven't even told you what the problem is," Meta Knight interrupted, baffled. Lucario jumped on the chance to make one more believer.

"I am a psychic, you know," Lucario pointed out, letting a touch of indignity enter his voice. Meta Knight crossed his arms, and Lucario was certain that the masked Kirby would raise an eyebrow if he could.

"Then tell me what my problem is." The masked Kirby's gaze was unwavering, daring Lucario to take a guess. The poke'mon gulped, suddenly unsure of his prediction.

"You have strong feelings for Jigglypuff?" Lucario ventured nervously. The hardening of Meta Knight's eyes told him he had guessed wrong.

"You think I'm in love." The masked Kirby's voice was low, calm, and dangerous. Lucario hesitated, wracking his brain for an answer. Meta Knight exploded before he could even form a plausible response.

"I am not in love with that conceited pink puff!" Meta Knight thundered, causing Lucario to jump in his seat. Lucario was gathering his wits, about to reply, when it happened.

There was a cry of "Waaaagh! The crystal ball!" and the horrifying sound of glass shattering and a hundred shards pinging off the walls. Even more terrifying was the rumbling sound coming from Lucario's bathroom. It was the rumbling of a storm about to unleash all of its might, the rumbling of a thousand starving lions' stomachs. It was the sound of all Hell about to break loose.

It did. With a mighty, explosive, raspberry sound, a concentrated blast of Wario's gas hit the bathroom door, wrenching it from its hinges. The door splintered on impact with the wall, shooting sharp fragments all over the room. The nauseating green gas streamed into the room, clutching at every surface with its lethal stench. Lucario leapt to his feet, gagging, and bolted out of the room, a terrified Meta Knight beside him. They didn't stop running until they were in the cafeteria, and there they stopped, doubled over, gasping for air. Lucario glanced up, noting that all eyes were upon them. One unspoken question hung in the air: what in the world happened to you two?

!

Marth stared, amused, at the two shaking figures standing in front of the cafeteria's double doors. Lucario and Meta Knight looked shell shocked, as if they had been bombarded by a fusillade of missiles. As the stench wafted into the room, Marth realized it was something much, much worse.

"Wario… ripped…a huge one," Lucario panted. "In my room." A general murmur of sympathy rose from the assembled smashers, as well as one of disgust. Most lost their appetites right then and there, rising to leave without having even touched their breakfast. Marth was fairly unperturbed by the event; as long as it wasn't his room and he didn't have to bunk with one of the mentally disturbed smashers for a month, he didn't really give a dragon's shit. He sat back, picking up a piece of French toast and nibbling it. The several circular tables that provided seats for the smashers were now all but empty- the only people still in the cafeteria were Meta Knight, Lucario, Ike, Bowser, Lucas, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, and himself.

Meta Knight and Lucario were still leaning against the double doors, their wits scattered by the catastrophic event. Ike was sitting at the table farthest from where Marth sat, apparently browsing his computer. He kept on casting odd glances at Marth, however, but the prince passed it off as nothing. Ike was an odd soul with odd habits and interests, and was quite often deluded. Marth had deduced that these oddities and delusions stemmed from Ike's obsession with his laptop. That was Snake's fault.

Bowser was wolfing down his steaming pile of luscious goodies; the king Koopa had a stomach of Wario Bomb resistant steel, and his appetite never failed him.

Lucas, Pikachu, and Jigglypuff were sitting at a table together, and Lucas and Pikachu were sharing a small meal and chatting amiably.

Jigglypuff, he noticed, was riveted to her seat with fear. Her terrified gaze was locked on him, and he sighed inwardly. What that pink poke'mon's problem was with him, he didn't know. She had been utterly terrified of him when they first met and hadn't changed since. Marth didn't even have any idea what the root of it was, and as such had been unable to fix it, despite Meta Knight's help and insight.

Making another small and most likely fruitless attempt at reconciliation, Marth waved at the pink puff. As always, she screeched like a blue jay blowing up into a cloud of feathers from a well-placed shotgun blast. Lucas and Pikachu didn't even take notice of her cry, continuing their conversation about who knows what. Jigglypuff looked as if she was about to fall off of her seat. Marth gazed at her thoughtfully, wondering what she must be seeing him as in her twisted imagination. She probably saw him as a vicious, bloodthirsty monster even when he was at his most content. _I wonder how she'd see me if I glowered at her,_ Marth wondered. Testing his thought, the prince crossed his arms and gave Jigglypuff a withering stare. It was his most regal and savage glare, and the coupling of the two airs gave him a vicious, dragon-like look, or so Caeda said. Even if it didn't, it was enough to cause Jigglypuff to faint. She collapsed, tumbling off of her seat with an audible thump. Lucas glanced over his shoulder, surprised, but upon seeing Jigglypuff unconscious on the floor, he shrugged and turned back.

"You know, doing that won't help her to get over it," Meta Knight pointed out, taking a seat adjacent to Marth.

"I had a hypothesis that told me that much, but I prefer to experiment and be absolutely certain," Marth replied.

"She's just sinking further into her delusion," Meta Knight grumbled.

"She can't possibly sink any further. Jigglypuff has tied herself to the cannonball of stubbornness, leapt into the ocean of self-oppression, and sunk into the dark, depressing, bottomless trench of irrational fear. Oh, not to mention that she's conceited."

"You have a point there," Meta Knight admitted.

"What point? That was blunt," Marth said matter-of-factly.

"So what's the problem?" Lucario asked, lowering himself gingerly into one of the circular seats. Marth arched an eyebrow at the blue and black poke'mon.

"Why does it matter to you, fortune teller?" Marth inquired scornfully. "You obviously knew about it, as a psychic."

"He's going to grace us with his wisdom," Meta Knight explained, shooting a warning glance at Marth. The prince didn't pay any heed to the cautioning gaze of the masked Kirby, leaning towards him as if to examine him for an ailment.

"What happened, Meta Knight?" he asked. "Did you inhale too much of Wario's excrements?"

"Your subtle criticism of my advice is much appreciated," Lucario said flatly. Marth straightened up, turning back to the poke'mon.

"Your sarcasm would be more effective if you weren't the detrimental factor in most of the relationships at this mansion, and if you weren't such a huge fraud who only seems to care for the frivolities in life." Lucario reeled back, stung. Marth folded his arms contemptuously, preparing to launch another biting remark, but Meta Knight beat him to the punch.

"We all know he's as shameless a liar as Captain Falcon is a flirt, but he does give out good advice from time to time. He did save Link and Zelda's relationship from chaos," Meta Knight said.

"How do you know he won't botch this on purpose just to deliver more drama?" Marth asked dryly. "He did transform us into Soap Opera Mansion."

"You have to admit that it's funny when you view it as the detached audience, and he was aided by authors," Meta Knight said. "But that's beside the point."

"It's not beside my point."

"Just shut up for a few seconds, Marth," Meta Knight growled. "I thought you wanted to end Jigglypuff's pathological fear."

"Pathological fear of what?" Lucario inquired, interested.

"Mr. Foofoo Cuddly Poops," Marth said sarcastically.

"How'd you figure out about Wolf's teddy bear?" Lucario asked, impressed. For once, Marth was lost for words, and his mouth hung open.

"There goes your confidentiality contract," Meta Knight muttered.

"Anyways, what is Jigglypuff's fear?" Lucario asked hurriedly.

"Me," Marth answered, filing away the information Lucario had let slip for future reference.

"Do you know why?" Meta Knight answered this time.

"Not really. I have a couple of theories, but the more I think about them, the more outlandish and idiotic they seem."

"When did this start?" Lucario questioned, somehow pulling out a clipboard, a ballpoint pen, and glasses.

"When she first sang for all of us, the opening night of Brawl," Marth responded, shaking his head in wonderment at the author.

"Did you have any possibly troubling encounters with Jigglypuff during the Melee era, Marth?"

"Not that I remember. We only met on the battlefield a couple of times, and none of the skirmishes were long enough for us to establish any kind of relationship."

"Why do you want to fix this? It doesn't seem too problematic," Lucario said.

"She's turning it into something worse than a pathological fear, and it won't be long until she faints at the sight of him. Plus, it's a strain on those who actually hang out with her frequently," Meta Knight explained.

"Oh." The three sat there in silence, Lucario stewing over possible explanations to their predicament, Meta Knight wondering how to pay the poke'mon, and Marth figuring out ways to wheedle more embarrassing facts out of Lucario. Maybe he could get the inhabitants of the Mansion to stop harassing him about the Old English thing if he knew their darkest secrets. This silence continued unbroken until everyone else had left the room, and Lucario finally shattered it.

"I think… she's merely afraid of criticism," the poke'mon said slowly.

"I knew it," Meta Knight muttered.

"It does make perfect sense," Marth admitted. Lucario leaned back, arms folded cockily with a smug grin on his face.

"See? I'm not a total fraud," he said. "Now pay up." Marth raised an eyebrow at this.

"Seriously? Both Meta Knight and I have obviously considered that as a possibility; we just never have concluded it as truth. You haven't even done that."

"So?"

"I refuse to pay you until you've given us information that truly helps us fix the problem," Marth replied. Lucario narrowed his eyes briefly, then relaxed and shrugged.

"Makes sense, so that's fine. First, of course, I need to hear about your failed attempts. Any tries that were close to groundbreaking?" Marth hesitated, thinking hard. Had there been any attempts at reconciliation with Jigglypuff that had come close to success? If there were, they had all slipped out of Marth's memory. The prince glanced at Meta Knight, hoping the masked Kirby had at least one helpful memory.

"Well, there was one time when we had gone mountain climbing to set up an embarrassing moment for Marth to show Jigglypuff that he was human. We purposely had his gear set up to break on first attempt so he'd fall when he had climbed a fair distance. This caused him to fall and break his arm. It was a wild throw in the dark, but it seemed to have an effect on Jigglypuff. I think she had even looked at him pityingly." Meta knight paused briefly to sigh as the subsequent events replayed in his mind. "Then the balloon buffoon decided to chuck a rock at him out of spite for his criticism, and Marth proceeded to further reinforce her fear by screaming curse words at her in Swahili. Not familiar with any human languages, Jigglypuff assumed it was some primal monster dialect."

"My guess is it went downhill from there?" Lucario inquired. Meta Knight nodded, and Lucario jotted down something on his clipboard. "Any other occurrences?"

"There was the time the three of us teamed up for a friendly match of capture the flag against Olimar, Sonic, and Pikachu," Marth offered, finally remembering something beneficial to the cause. "It was intended to show my friendly side, of course, and it almost worked because we almost won. It just so happened, however, that Jigglypuff fell asleep while guarding our flag and lost it to Olimar's Pikmin."

"And let me guess: you yelled at her," Lucario said wryly.

"Actually, no, he didn't; Marth yelled at Olimar for breaking the rules," Meta Knight said. "He really wasn't allowed to use the Pikmin, since they were considered to be sentient beings and you could only have three of those on your team. We even had a whole court case about it, and that's what scared Jiggs." Lucario scribbled a couple more notes on his clipboard and looked up at them, adjusting his spectacles.

"I think I've got the way to fix our problem with Jigglypuff," he said.


End file.
